You can never go home again because we change so much. Love is Love and if he or she changes, all you do is just keep talking.

I like moving forward, and time is like a river and constantly flows, and we can never step into the same waters twice. We carry these idealism’s in our mind, and wonder why did things not turn out the way they were suppose to? I look at my husband today who struggles with health,  and I wonder why did it not turn out the way I thought it would, and yet I know, because that man worked so hard, and in all the wrong environments, but he had to prove to his Dad he could do it. He did do it,  but at a great cost to himself and me. however, in that time he changed himself to having heart problems, PTSD with a memory, that is failing him sometimes and I pray for blessing him some days, when he looks at me with those sad eyes.

He gave 38 years of his life for others, and forgot about us. Now I must think about us. I have forgiven and moved on even some days with tears, but I am very careful with this delicate human being whose brain fails him, not everyday, but some days.

Now some people inspire us to keep going whether we know it or not. My husband use to get gratitude notes from other women who counted on him for support as I supported women myself, but they never knew what it took from the both of us and how much we sacrificed of ourselves to give to others. They often thought his job was so easy, because they did not know the man or his job, but sometimes you allow people in for inspiration, just to keep going, and having faith in others and sometimes those people do not even know who they are. And some times Faith and belief does wonders. it brings people in that are alive, and know suffering. And those who do not care, get put in the winds that blow.

Instead of going for rests on holidays, we traveled to learn. We took summer classes, and we were always goal oriented with places to go and people to meet and specific things to see and learn. Everyone always said, “Gee you do a lot of traveling.” They were right, but traveling had a purpose too, and is used for learning about self, and others world wide.

I loved learning and so many disciplines of study, that often we would take on subjects that no others would ever take on. We would do so with such obsession,  because of pure interest,  that it left others wondering. I do not ever remember  Colin or I sitting down just staying still unless on Whiskey Island in Northern Ontario’s Lake of the Woods. That was the only time we would take a tent, and not leave the Island and just read, start the fire pit, fish and read some more, but that stopped many years ago as we got busier and busier. I always had pen put to paper,  and note taking became a habit, so I could remember along the way, what research had to teach for me to learn, from a subject of inspiration, so our lives would be better than what we had been shown by well meaning parents who were sick themselves. We wanted better lives.

However, one day when away in Florida, I noticed my husband, not giving correct change, or being able to find his way home, or driving with some slow way of responding, nearly killing us a couple of times. We would be out in a golf cart for a ride around town, and he would not be able to find his way back to where we were renting. It became concerning, and so we returned home to Canada. I drove all the way home myself, and just took over our lives from concern and started fluffing like an old mother hen. I could see he was running into trouble but tried to protect his feelings and fears in the midst of seeing something going on. He was fighting with me and himself at the drop of a hat, but I knew something was not right. We went to see a counselor, he went to doctors and we started looking for answers. We found out about his bundle block in his heart, and knew his time for work was coming to an end. It was time to start looking forward to retirement, but then things started going really sour. His man hood was threatening him, not me, and he started looking to other females as if interested. Well consequently I had a stroke, a small one, but a stroke never the less.   I do not remember a thing for a whole day or two, and we really started getting concerned. So rather than fight we repressed our feelings, and everything we were thinking and pretended everything was alright, but  health absolutely told us different.

One day I just upped and left when he would not stop fighting, and struck out at me with his hand,  and by this time we had moved twice since he retired. Our moves where trying to find a place we both felt happy about what was going on, but fear drove us and we kept searching until one day.

One day after diagnosing heart problems of blocked fibers, we heard he had PTSD, one of my fears that that was going on. But then we heard he needed a stint in his heart because his heart had only 26% working power. Then we heard he needed four bypasses after many tests, and knowing something was wrong and searching and searching for answers. By this time I was supporting women on the computer for other issues in our friend’s country of America.

My God have mercy, as so many things were happening all at once, and my Grand daughters life, who I had been totally silent about for years and years, came into the picture. My sweet baby girl who I had had only 1 day with because of marriage split ups and cruelty to women and children for 5 generations. I was silenced until one day.

Just one day I had had enough, and just looked for support from familiar and started writing and thinking and bringing up all the things that I had lived through because of “One Man,” saying it was o.k. to grab little girls pussies. I absolutely lost it.

I was losing my husband, I had lost my children, I lost my siblings, I never had a mother or father, and I had lost my beloved Grandmother to death.  I lost friends over marijuana, and misunderstandings, but it had to be said. Everything I fought for and have said it is truth. Morals, God, Jesus, Mary, Grandma and my children and All, and I am no fighter because I love Love. I love being loved. I love loving. I get so much satisfaction out of being kind and loving, that to fight seems pointless to me, because it only hurts others.

A people pleaser is not what I am. I am a moral, and rational person that Loves because it is the right thing to do. Take it from me, I know. To hate is more self damaging that good for you. Love, forgive and live in Mercy given to self and to others. These are facts not fictions, and if you change it changes your life to live as a wife. But always remember, keep talking because Life Changes you. From Rape as a little girl to someone who will not tolerate being abused today. You change, and it is a constant because we never step into the same waters twice. Keep an open mind, and with knowledge flows wisdom. This is Truth.

 

Pick your partner wisely and biology of homo sapiens, plays a role in this without a doubt. Carolyn D Hogarth Canada