You know, I love music and I am so thankful for words, and sound because it gets right to our hearts. But right now I seem to be dealing with a bit of flashbacks myself, and one is the moment I realized this was a bio-warfare attack.The feeling of who do I tell, and who will believe me, I am not doctor but I knew. Then Montagnier. Montagnier knew too. It’s just one of those minutes you know. When I saw all those people were dying, and, I keep seeing it all over and over again. Colin was sick at that time. I didn’t know how or who to run to in a situation like that. But to know something or someone is purposely hating on you, and the children in your country is one of the most horrific minutes to go through when you hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t about religion,or gender, or Race, or being trafficked at that moment, it wasn’t about anything like that, because it was that we were being attacked biologically and I knew it, and then to see the autopsies. Oh God! “You have to know there is nothing more terrifying to see what we were up against. If only you knew what I know. God I wanted to jump out of my skin.” If anyone could have given me one moment of Peace, I would have gladly accepted.
I was having a hard enough time helping my husband keep his sanity from his un-health at that time, as his heart was suffering big time from his stressful life, and I so needed someone to just listen. Not about my life, about your lives that were so in danger.
I absolutely cannot say goodbye. Never. My heart belongs to you all because there is nothing that can erase the memory of the danger that lay before us. I will carry you All with me always. I carry the memories that many know nothing about. But the world lays and did lay at the feet of victim-hood. I knew. I just knew. I cry these days at the drop of a hat, and others can laugh or make light of it, but you have no idea the horror, the absolute horror of what I saw. Now all the wars. Crap. Its so painful….
I really do wish Africa happiness and a great future, as I wish you all. I just do not believe in Racism. I do not want anyone hurt. However my heart, mind and soul if everyone has one, through the knowledge of our own molecules, I know so many are so devastated, and then cloud seeding and silver iodides, another moment when my heart sank again. there just has maybe been one too many things happen. Now BN 1.8.1 and the Bird flu, as I worry about my doves too.
Another moment that I just knew, “Oh my God” What frigging next? What next. Thank you for the music. I try and stay calm and let things out slowly, but sometimes, the pain of what I know is so heavy, so Ernie Ford has nothing on me with his sixteen tons. The weight of a world that suffers.
When you have lived what I know and have seen, it is something you learn, even when others let go, you hang on with your heart, and that is who I am. I cannot let go. It’s my one hang up in life. I can move on, but let go, no one will ever erase the memory of the one moment I knew, “Oh my God it is biowarfare against the world.”
Please don’t make me let go. It has nothing to do with economy. It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with knowledge. We are “one.” This planet is the only planet in the Universe that is our home. The only one that we as humans are conditioned biologically to the environment. No other planet in the Universe is our little sweet blue planet. No other planet has got human homo sapiens, biological organisms that count on the environment for health. So darlings let the sunshine in, face it with a grin, Vitamin D you know. So important. Until you can’t. Its o.k. to cry. But I still believe in you.
But you all have to know that. I already know it. I listen to every word. “I just hope tomorrow is a good day. I believe in you.” I believe in old folks, I believe in babies, I believe in Love, I believe in marriage. Why? What else is there besides my brother, and that is “Love thy brother as we ourselves would like to be loved.” But no violence. But I will never not believe in you, except who believes in me? I just am having a hard time with memories of the last 10 years. If I see anything I cry and the tears never run out. How do you find someone to help?
I have been down before, but this time, I am just accepting. I am just listening. To music, to love, to the rain, and kissing it, to the sunshine and letting it in most days, to the lightening, to my dove in the morning, and my hand remains in your hands. I am not manipulating, and I am telling you exactly who I am. Call me needy for life, needy for love, or whatever you want, but I will never forget seeing those people outside hospitals dying and gasping for air. Never. I did not want any of you to go through that and if that makes me evil in any way, so be it. I will keep connecting when I can and thank you for your love and music on the days when we hurt more than ever before to the core of my being. If I am wrong for loving, forgive me.
Carolyn d Hogarth
The world’s biggest suck
Who am I writing to….You all!
Listen to the music. “I am.” CDH. Writing makes me sound so brave. I am woman. What do I say. I think I am turning to salt because of the amount of tears that have fell over 10 years of sleepless nights. Just Facts….It is the flight or fight, and I chose to fight for people’s lives. Not flight emotionally, but now I pay. Latitude 49.05. I cannot let go, and I know how scarry this is, but I just cannot let go. Sorry. CDH